


The United States as a background for my dreams

by sadmarchhare



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alabama, Angst, Atheism, Bad Communication, California, Emotionally Repressed, Exhaustion, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Georgia, Illinois, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Loneliness, Maryland, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minnesota, Multi, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, One-Sided Relationship, Punishment, Religion, Saints, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, South Carolina, United States, Washington, West Virginia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:20:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadmarchhare/pseuds/sadmarchhare
Summary: A poem for every U.S. state about whatever feeling each state gives me.
Kudos: 13





	1. Oklahoma

**Author's Note:**

> this poem was proof read by @captainchikara on twt a v close friend of mine whom i love v much 😌💞❣💗❤

It's mid-july and I really appreciate the heat  
The sun makes up for your missing warmth  
I know you hate when I say it but I miss you  
I want to grab your arm so you can push me away  
You say you don't like pda but I insist!  
Grabbing your arm or your hand isn't pda!  
But, I love you and I anxiously wait your return everyday

I'm currently passing the place where we first saw each other Kelley Avenue,  
You looked at me in the face back then  
But now you love me  
We're better now

I'm walking under the sun  
And I can hear your complaints  
But I'll go home soon so don't fret

You told me you'd be back in a week or so  
It's been five days I haven't lost count  
A shame we didn't kiss goodbye  
Hopefully you think it's a shame too  
Because we rarely think the same now

I miss you and I hope you aren't overworking yourself  
You haven't answered me yet so what else can I do but worry?  
I trust you'll be fine but as I pass Lottie Avenue,  
I remember how you get stressed easily  
And I can't even be next to you  
Without you saying something without thinking

You're so far away almost like your threats!  
I can't help but smile and sigh  
I truly love you and miss you  
And so I'm going home


	2. Illinois

Put that album on  
My friend passed me his cigarrette  
God a lot has happened  
But why hear any of it?

It gets louder  
That album you put on  
I'm smiling can't you see  
The rest doesn't matter


	3. Nebraska

What they needed was someone to love them for one day  
The other person could leave the next day  
It wouldn't matter at all  
Because it didn't matter who was there to love them  
As long as someone was

The need for the most minimal of touches  
Was too big everyday  
Sometimes they wanted something deeper  
Than being thrusted in them  
But that hurt, they couldn't even panthom-  
But god what if one day someone loved them?

They hugged themselves tigther and tigther  
Until there wasn't any more space for anything  
But doubt and fear were still there  
So someone came over and ruined them  
And the doubt and fear became something else for a while  
Maybe worse it came with physical pain too  
Just like terror it came with tears  
But at least someone was there  
Not enough time to warm the bed  
But enough time for them to lower their self-esteem a bit more

What doesn't come at a cost?  
So they say they love the other person  
But god do they?  
What's easier than lying to yourself-  
Oh but they said they loved them back  
And that was enough for the other person to stay   
For more than a day, stayed for months  
So much pain during everything  
But the bed stayed warm the whole time  
Isn't that what they've always wanted

So many tears, too many in fact  
Not enough reasons they decide  
So why not hurt more  
Invinte that person over again  
They cry after and that's just how it's supposed to be.


	4. Maryland

"Everytime it rains,  
I get tired just by looking outside."  
You scoff and say I'm tired everyday  
You're right but rain makes it worse  
I don't say it outloud, because why cause fight?  
I'm too tired and it's raining outside

I get dressed in silence, eat breakfast and go to the door  
You frown and before I'm able to open the door you say,  
I didn't put the mug in the counter  
Exhausted I go back to the kitchen and put the dirty mug where you asked

Before I'm able to realise it's raining inside  
You tell me to stop that and go to work already  
It's your fault I'm still here  
But I don't say anything outloud, because why cause a fight?  
So I go to work listening to the rain


	5. Ohio

I'll never be close to them  
I'll never get to kiss their hands  
Cry at their feet  
And beg for forgiveness to their face

What's the point in adoring someone,  
you don't even believe exists?

But I'm weak  
And I need to know I'm being constantly judged  
That I'm one word away from infinite suffering  
One action away from excrutiating helplessness  
Because there's relief in this imaginary pain

At least they care enough to look at me  
Even if it's to spit in my face  
I'd gladly be their dog  
Hear words I don't understand, speak tongues and weep

In loneliness I understand martyrs


	6. Minnesota I

He's pretty and I hope he knows that  
I can never tell what he's thinking  
But he writes and he let's me read everything  
If he knows what I think of him  
I've never read it  
And my name never came after Love  
And sure kisses mean a lot but I've kissed without meaning  
And when his lips are on mine  
I can't read and he can't write


	7. Alabama

At this point in time there's bones on the cross  
You're preaching what's beyond decomposition  
Why should I listen to what's six feet?

Those three days have long passed  
Maybe there's a limit to miracles  
And according to you I'm in the limit  
Controled by something that doesn't decompose  
But is six feet


	8. Minnesota II

I call him my love when he doesn't look back  
Maybe he can hear me, I wouldn't know  
I'm never afraid to speak up  
But I'll never know if he listens  
Sometimes I hope he has written it down  
And I wonder if I'm reading what he writes wrong  
Because I can't find any place  
Where it says, I know


	9. Georgia

Somewhere in a valley  
A girl is crying and it'll forever mark her eyes  
"Are you crying?"  
Someone will ask her tomorrow  
"I've cried yesterday."  
She'll get asked that question everyday

But the valley is small  
And everyone knows each other, it won't take long  
Soon her name will be tear-eyed-girl  
And the reason why she cries  
Only she knows when she looks at the top of the montains  
Or at the sea she never saw


	10. South Carolina

Narcissus and I stand miles apart  
He's on a river, I'm on a desert  
And I know I won't see a body of water  
For years to come

From his blood beauty was created  
And it flourishes  
My blood is boiling too much  
To ever be anything  
Other than tears and self harm


	11. California

I went back to California  
But it didn't feel the same  
I ran through every city  
But none felt like home

Was it you that was missing?  
Or did I change too much?

It felt good going away  
Because I thought I had  
A home to come back to  
Turns out I don't know any of these streets

So now lost, in front of a coffe shop  
In Santa Fe  
I could tell I missed you more  
Than California

This was only home with you in it  
Now it's just a too hot place  
Where I don't know any face

This is your home  
When I left  
I left you and a bit of me  
The bit that could tell where to go  
The bit that knew Cali back to front

What's it now  
But a state on a map  
That owns you,  
The person I'll never get back


	12. West Virginia

I stopped my car at the gas station  
And forgot my name  
And each minute that passed  
I unlearned more and more about myself

The sun was setting and I was hungry  
I bought something to eat  
Ate in the car and cried  
What was I doing?  
But that part of me I had already unlearned  
Maybe I loved cars  
Or road trips, was that what I was doing?

The gas station was empty  
Where was I?  
I went back on the road and I didn't know much  
Except that gas station  
And what I just ate

I should return home, I thought  
But where was it?  
I forgot that thought as soon as it crossed my mind  
So I just drove to the next gas station


	13. Washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a quick poem for my partner Thiva that makes my world a place i actually enjoy

I once read that we all see colors differently  
We all hear sounds differently  
The world's smallest details  
Aren't seen the same way by everyone  
Be it because of what they are feeling  
Or because of something like Love

I didn't quite believe any of that  
After all somethings were just what they were

Until I met them  
And realised music they liked sounded better than before  
Had that music been released again?  
2014 it said. Still the same.  
But this time I liked it

And how come each color they said they liked  
Looked prettier than before  
Maybe I didn't appreciate them enough before  
Or maybe love added onto them

I count the petals in each flower you like  
They are just like you, I think to myself  
Beautiful in every way  
And if you asked I'd plant them everywhere

The world started to feel worth while  
I can appreciate things I couldn't before  
I can hold the hand of someone I couldn't before  
Kiss the lips of someoneI couldn't before

All I needed was for you to tell me  
What you liked and if that included me  
You're more a pretty flower, I realised  
You're what makes them flourish  
The world isn't so bad  
And I should start believing what I read more


End file.
